Sunday, 1 July 2012

Story 16 - Stupid Robot

Stupid bloody robot’s being slow again. Useless piece of crap. I give it one simple request. Fetch me an apple from the fridge and the thing’s meandering around the house like a crazed old woman who’s forgotten what day it is and what planet she’s on.

Finally after ten minutes the piece of junk comes back to me, settles down on the floor, closes its eyes and is motionless. Just sitting there, doing nothing; an idiotically satisfied smile across its stupid robot face.

I feel another good kick coming on, but with the state it’s in, I’d only make things worse. So I settle on shouting:

“439! 439!”

Its eyes open while an ugly metal head turns lazily towards me. “Yeeees Maaaassst-t-t-t-t-ttter.” (The thing can’t even speak properly anymore).

“Get up, go to the kitchen, bring back a bleeding apple… and if you can’t get it right this time, God help me I’ll be using your body parts for rocket fuel!”


Its fuzzy orange eyes are flickering. As though what I’ve commanded is beyond its pathetic capabilities.

I just want an apple. Not asking much. A frigging apple for God’s sake; can you imagine a simpler task? With anyone else’s robot this would take a matter of seconds.

It gets up, sits down, then gets up again.

“You req-q-q-uire foood-d-d-d Maaaassst-t-t-t-t-ttter?”

There’s only one thing to do when it gets like this. I reach for the off switch at the bottom of its robot spine and watch as it crumples to the floor, a worthless metallic heap of body parts. They’d laugh at me if I took it to the repair shop. Stress that the only option is to buy a new one. As if I’m made of money, right? All these people with their fancy new gadgets.

I switch it back on and immediately it stands erect.

“Hello Master. How are you today?”

“Never mind how I am. Get me an apple from the kitchen before I kick your robot hide into the nearest black hole.”

Rather than showing any sign of fear, it smiles sympathetically. (As though I’m the one with the bloody problem.)

“Anything else while I’m there Master?”

“An apple! An apple! You know what an apple is you poor excuse for a cybernetic life form! Long, slightly curved. You peel it and eat the inside. They’re green when you pick them and yellow when ripe. You understand yet? An apple, and while you’re there get me a plate of ice-cream.”

“Processing your request sir.”

This is so frustrating. Oh for the simple life when such devices weren’t relied upon. When I could and was willing to do things for myself. (What the hell has happened to me?)

“I’m sorry Master. There seems to be an error with the command you gave me. Would you like to try again or request an alternative action?”

“I’ll give you an alternative action, you…”


  1. Ha! I enjoyed this, Chris, but there is a hint of the sinister underneath. Let's hope we don't eventually end up like your character.

    1. If you think about it we already do have a similar attitude when, for example, our computer is playing up, or if our car won't start, etc, etc...

  2. Haha! I think maybe this cyberman needs to download the recent updates, or maybe just a reboot... or maybe just a boot... or maybe several boots... :)

  3. I giggled myself silly at this one, what a great story! Robot must be running Windows ;)